Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize