Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
