I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
