Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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