If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I lost the right to judge tonight
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
