im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
