chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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