My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize