a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
