This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
