Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize