I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
