Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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