hotel room ftw
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
