apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
