the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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