I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I checked into jail on foursquare
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
