It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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