oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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