Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
