Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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