then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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