My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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