im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize