I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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