franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
my liver is dry heaving
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