I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
