so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
