I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
dude. I can hear the air.
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