We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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