She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
