You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
