I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
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