"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
