my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
