drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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