MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
