Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
