You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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