Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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