I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
