Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
