The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
