shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
