Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
