dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Still dying that you shit outside
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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