I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
