Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
