Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
