she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
