North Korea, Best Korea!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I forget how to act sober
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