my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
