You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
