Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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